re-learning old practices

For 3 years I lived according to a certain routine that brought me closer to God than I had ever been before. It was such a formative and beautiful time in my life even though it consisted of long days going in multiple directions, lots of emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual stretching, and intense practice of the disciplines. But somehow over time I began to weaken. The things that had given so much life now seemed to suck me dry.

I have gone through a process for several years where nearly everything in my life has been shaken and torn down. My beliefs, my dreams, my actions, my worldview, my identity. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. Often I thought I was dying. Now I'm certain that I was. I didn't understand it at the time, but now I see that I had accidentally built all of these good practices and beliefs over the top of insecurity and fear. Instead of bringing life and healing to the broken places of my life, I tried to cover up and ignore the painful things. I was trying to earn love instead of receiving it with grace. God had to tear everything to the ground so he could fix my cracked foundation. I had to become a failure in my own eyes in order to really accept that God loved me anyway- even when I had nothing to offer.

This last year has been a time of rebuilding, but I have really struggled with implementing the old practices I had learned. I have been extremely hesitant to enter back into anything that looks like what I did during my furnace years- prayer, reading Scripture, passionate worship, and spiritual disciplines. I don't want to fall back into the old patterns again. Even though I know these practices are essential, I haven't re-learned how to join these spiritual practices with the other aspects of my life in a that supplements my whole life in a healthy way. The only way I knew how to pray or worship or lead was an channeled around an attempt to ignore or hide the brokenness in my heart.

I've been trying to learn, and it has been very up and down. This year I've been trying to take time 3x a day to pray using a Celtic Daily Prayer book. It has been so helpful because most days I don't have my own words to pray. I have needed to read the prayers of fellow Christians from hundreds of years ago, and I've found them to so often resonate with my heart. But even then there have been many days I just haven't wanted to even try that much. I have discovered that on the days I feel good I don't take the time to pray. And often on the days I'm most hurting I will avoid any time with God even though I knew that I needed him to do something.

This morning I realized a few things. First, that I've been subtly thinking of God like a doctor or counselor. I only go to him when I have something wrong. I only share my thoughts so he will tell me what's wrong and fix them. I am still living in a reactionary way, looking for a quick answer to get me better so I can keep running along and being 'normal'. I think I understood this on some level, which is why I would avoid God when I was really struggling. I knew God is more than medication and didn't want to treat him like that.

The odd thing is that I go to my parents when I am hurt physically or emotionally. I talk to them about what is happening, but I don't think of them as a doctor or counselor. I have a deeper relationship with them than just 'fixing' me. I just don't know how to really walk with God like a parent, even though the Bible is full or fatherly and motherly descriptions of God.

The other little thing that came to mind is that the times I set aside for focused prayer are not supposed to be about being more prayerful or spiritual or obedient. I want to learn to pray and worship all day in everything I do, not just at 3 set times during the day, and I found myself dreading those prayer times because I didn't want to get back into the habit of believing that certain times or places or things are more 'spiritual' or 'godly' than others. But these times can be a way of setting my direction for the day, of choosing how I want to live this day. When I am driving on the freeway, I only rarely need to turn the steering wheel but I am driving the entire time. On some trips I might go for hours straight ahead, but other times I will need to constantly be turning corners or avoiding other cars. So maybe I can learn to be aware of where I currently am in my life, and adopt a lifestyle of prayer that is dynamic to that. It's always good to set a direction when you begin a journey, and you will need to change your course throughout, but whether you are turning or going straight ahead or even stopped on the side of the road for a break, it is still all part of the same journey.

I know these aren't really new ideas to most of you, but I wanted to process them and record what I'm learning so they didn't slip away. This has become a little more real to me today and I wanted to share it with my friends.